Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
nobody’s gonna understand
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake