me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
You Might Also Like
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.