Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…