My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
You Might Also Like
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I need to get some bricks…
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real