“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me too 😆
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*