Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
These 3D printers are insane!
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.