10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
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Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now