[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.