I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
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‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
technically true but not a great slogan
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?