If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house