Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
This bar smells like my childhood.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem