*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
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Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If only
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]