Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.