[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
And now we wait
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Breaking news:
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.