When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
A wise man once said nothing.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.