Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
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I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.