I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
You Might Also Like
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.