To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
One of the best
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady