Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
where do you see yourself in five years?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
oh you wanna fight?!
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.