“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me: well that didn’t age well
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