Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it