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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Have a lovely day 😊
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.