me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.