All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
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I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
me hooking up with my ex
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.