I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
guys i’ve cracked the code
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?