The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
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It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
How does one answer this?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
accurate
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.