me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
sugar glider wrangler
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.