DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad