my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
i choose….tongue
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.