When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.