[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
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COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.