Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Saturday
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.