last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”