In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”