me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon