My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I’m awake but I object,
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I came this close!!!!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!