I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
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Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Sticker placement is key.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.