I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.