With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
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One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
guilty
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.