“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
You Might Also Like
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.