I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
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The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Chicago sounds lovely.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Breaking news:
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want