Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup