describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I think this should do it.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.