You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?