I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
You Might Also Like
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.