I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.