Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
the dark web is just a goth google.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people