Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.