My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
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*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Awesome parenting 😂
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along