Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
…u ok Nintendo?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?